the beauty I stumble on

I fell short on completing my "blog everyday in May" challenge.  The summer starts to pick up a lot for my little photography shop - Busy most weekends, be it taking pictures or editing them.  So, my intention started out very gung-hoe, but it was hard to keep up.  There are still a few of her topics that I plan on blogging about...  I just need to wait until I get caught up.  The blogging is fun, it has turned into my hobby and therapy and the photography is a business - so, the clients come first.  Well, truth be told, they are second...  this little guy comes first:

It makes me a little sad to say out loud, but Brayden and I had 5 days in row together.  No work.  No Photography.  I think the last time we had that many days in a row together without much interruption was last summer for vacation.  I didn't realize how much I miss that time with him - this week back to work was brutal - all 3 days of it.  And, Brayden is with his Dad this weekend - and, I really miss him.  That time together spoils us both - it is really hard to get back to that routine, that 7:30-5:30 daily grind.  He is growing up so fast - I feel like time is slipping away.  He is going to turn into a teenager in the blink of an eye - I pray, daily, that he will still love me like he does now.  I pray, daily, that he is gentler on me then I was to my parents.  I pray we respect each other, like we do now - but with greater appreciation for where time has taken us.  

During our break - the 3 of us went to the zoo - they have a dinosaur exhibit.  And, if there is anything Brayden loves as much as his Mom - it would be his dinosaurs.  He has loved them for forever it feels like.  He is inherently all boy.

 I use to worry about Brayden missing the everyday male role model, that I would be confusing his 'maleness' - If there is even such a thing - but, I know now that even though he still likes to put on my jewelry and play with my make-up from time to time, he is all boy.  He loves sticks, and worms, and monster trucks, and dinosaurs, and being outside and 'rough houseing'.  I apparently us that term now much like my mom use too.  It probably sounds something like 'if you boys are going to rough house, go down stairs' - because Brayden now uses that phrase, "John and I are going to rough house - I will be the rough house.  Downstairs, right Mom?"

I wish I had a video to capture every silly phrase, every hug, every kiss, every 'so much" response to my "I love you".   He will never be like this again.  I find myself being happy and sad, excited and terrified all at the same time.  

These feelings surfaced up this week being back at work...  and then this morning I read this article that was shared on FB - To Parents of Small Children - Go read it.   You will laugh and cry - because we all feel it.  Because parenting is hard.  Because parenting has all of those emotions that you just don't get until you have children to raise...  to witness and participate all at the same time.  Both Parent and child learning as we go.  Parenting is frustrating and exhausting and down right scary sometimes.  But, it is the best thing I have ever done, ever.  And, I imagine it will always be #1 on my list of accomplishments. I love when I stumble on beauty - the article reminded me of the zoo pictures that I hadn't looked at yet - and then, as I opened the folder, I stumbled on the most beautiful faces, Brayden and John, my family.   

In the Life, Love & Lemons front, I updated the Home page with a few of my fav photos.  I have the most beautiful families.  I also added a new proofing and purchasing site.  AND, I bought a new camera!!  John asked if I was excited as I examined the new Nikon...  my response, "No.  I am scared sh!t!#ss".  I needed to upgrade, but it is hard to bite the bullet and spend the money.  But, now that I have it I am so fascinated by the upgraded / updated technology.  I will put it to practice this weekend shooting some of my vintage rentals for my website. 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! :)  Thanks for stopping by!

Day 20: My Church burned down - 80 days until the wedding

Day 20: Get real. Share something you're struggling with right now.

With all of the 'things' to do with a wedding...  having a plan B for 'what if' the church burns down isn't really something I had accounted for, 80 days prior to our wedding.

After several texts and calls from John and other concerned family, I discovered yesterday afternoon that our church had caught on fire, and it is bad. 

I spoke with Father Hougan this morning to schedule a meeting to discuss next steps.  He said he thought of us, and felt bad but we would have to  plan our wedding elsewhere.   

This church wasn't my childhood church, but ever since I moved back and started attending church again, Father Hougan has been instrumental in building and educating my faith. My faith has always been present, always close by - by religion has not.  I am learning about practicing religion and my faith are much deeper then I ever realized.  I have learned more in the past 2 years attending his masses then I have in the previous 28 years.  

The church was beautiful.  It was moved, picked up and carried to a new lot a few blocks away.  Determined to keep the old beauty, the structure and original woodwork was kept but the church was updated, expanded, and more economically efficient.

I was looking forward to our wedding there.  It feels like a home, comfortable and familiar - much like it does for the rest of the parish.  I am disappointed that I won't be getting married in my church, which to me symbolizes the part of my prsoanl transformation, but our wedding is more then the church we get married in.  I think I am more upset about the displacement we will all feel during Mass.  I am sure after a few weeks it will become more routine and we will all adjust.    I know there is a lot of work that will need to be done to put St. Paul's back to it beauty.  

So for now, we will brainstorm options... add yet another revision to my already printed, addressed, stamped and ready to be mailed invitations...  

Here are a few pictured I got of the Rockford Diocese website:

Day 18 - story from my childhood

I am the awkward one behind the swing :) Mallory on the bar and cousins Mike and Jess on the swing

I feel as though I am unique in the way I was raised.  Farm life is very different from the way my the majority of my friends grew up.  I didn't know then, but I loved country life.  I loved it at times, when I wasn't cursing about living out in the middle of no where and not being able to see my friends, but I actually really did love it.  I loved the peacefulness.  I loved our dinners - meat, potato, veggie, and dessert almost every night - a lot of our food was raised right on the farm.  I never knew how different that life was until I had to live it the other way.  I didn't have video games or MTV.  It was around, just not at our house.  We had chores to do, beans to walk, lawn to mow, stalls to clean, laundry on the line, etc, etc. 

I can honestly say I have a neverending list of really great childhood stories - that involve playing kick the can, campfires, grooming animals for 4-H, and even in the work - I found fun :) 

Having a Dad that farms and a Mom that stays home, there was expected roles that they each had.  One of my favorite stories I like to tell is about the jean jacket that I got from my Dad for my birthday.  I had blogged about it previously - and it is still one of my favorites.  

Read about it here: to 54 more

Day 17: Just me

Day 17: A favorite photo of yourself and why

I can't pick just one :)  That sounds pretty self centered but give me a chance to explain :) 

Being behind the lens, as most Mom's are, I don't have that many pictures of myself since I had Brayden, and even less since I started my hobby / passion as a business.  I pick up the camera less and carry it with me less because I sometimes feel as though I need a break.  When really, I think if I brought it with me more for the fun stuff, I would reconnect with why  I fell in love with it - just because I loved it.  No money, or appointments, or editing - I did just because I loved it.  Don't get me wrong, I still love it.  I just enjoy the freedom of it from my eye since I do it so often now.  I love it differently - I love that I get to give that to another family to cherish.  I need to refocus  (pun intended) and give that to my family more often. :) 

Back to pictures of me.  I have a long list - and they all have Brayden in it.  I believe that is when I loved myself the most, differently.  Sure, the parts of my body that I once loved, definitely, in no way shape or form resemble what they use to, but the smile on my face and the love in my eyes says it all.  Not only that, I am aging.  I don't see it everyday - but, I can tell when I go back.  And, that's ok.  It's part of life and I want to love that process, and how I look with the age of lots of love and laughter...  and maybe some stress too, but, it is life. 

I am really excited for our wedding pictures.  It will be John and I - with love and joy written all over our faces...  I can't wait for that!  

So anyway, here are a few of my favorites: 

 

And one of John and I :) 

Day 16: My lot in life - My becoming

My lot in life is much the same as it has always been.  I have been surrounded by my immediate family, always.  Even when there has been distance - physical or emotional - we are never far from each other.  

I have always been the child of six to do things a little differently - often against the warning of my family.  And, although I respect their opinions, I know that their choices and decisions and their way of doing things is not always the same for me.  

I have a long list in my head - all of the things that my family said "I told you so".  But, at the same time, they have always been there.  I have to discover on my own.  I also have to suck up my pride and ask for help when my plans don't hash out.  For them, my list is probably longer then they would like it to be.  For me, I know there are many things that I still didn't do - and, I wish I would have (and maybe still will).   My place on earth was meant to take this route of self discovery by trial and error, by being knocked down and getting back up.  My lot in life is to be the child that gave my Mom grey hair and go against my Dad's better advisement.  It has also given me Brayden, and now John.  My journey hasn't always been the typical route, but I eventually find my destination, sometimes it is just a bumpier path.  

From someone or somewhere I have this sense of dreaming big - I am convinced it is genetic - so, my parents can blame themselves! ; )  This lot, this life is all about doing and learning.  And, I am beyond happy.  

I owe most of it to my parents who has kept me grounded with values - but let me fly (even if they didn't want me to).  Deep down, I think they are proud of 'how' I am - and who I am becoming. 

 

My lot, my family, my choices have all helped to develop the person I am becoming - but, part of me has always just been me.