the beauty I stumble on

I fell short on completing my "blog everyday in May" challenge.  The summer starts to pick up a lot for my little photography shop - Busy most weekends, be it taking pictures or editing them.  So, my intention started out very gung-hoe, but it was hard to keep up.  There are still a few of her topics that I plan on blogging about...  I just need to wait until I get caught up.  The blogging is fun, it has turned into my hobby and therapy and the photography is a business - so, the clients come first.  Well, truth be told, they are second...  this little guy comes first:

It makes me a little sad to say out loud, but Brayden and I had 5 days in row together.  No work.  No Photography.  I think the last time we had that many days in a row together without much interruption was last summer for vacation.  I didn't realize how much I miss that time with him - this week back to work was brutal - all 3 days of it.  And, Brayden is with his Dad this weekend - and, I really miss him.  That time together spoils us both - it is really hard to get back to that routine, that 7:30-5:30 daily grind.  He is growing up so fast - I feel like time is slipping away.  He is going to turn into a teenager in the blink of an eye - I pray, daily, that he will still love me like he does now.  I pray, daily, that he is gentler on me then I was to my parents.  I pray we respect each other, like we do now - but with greater appreciation for where time has taken us.  

During our break - the 3 of us went to the zoo - they have a dinosaur exhibit.  And, if there is anything Brayden loves as much as his Mom - it would be his dinosaurs.  He has loved them for forever it feels like.  He is inherently all boy.

 I use to worry about Brayden missing the everyday male role model, that I would be confusing his 'maleness' - If there is even such a thing - but, I know now that even though he still likes to put on my jewelry and play with my make-up from time to time, he is all boy.  He loves sticks, and worms, and monster trucks, and dinosaurs, and being outside and 'rough houseing'.  I apparently us that term now much like my mom use too.  It probably sounds something like 'if you boys are going to rough house, go down stairs' - because Brayden now uses that phrase, "John and I are going to rough house - I will be the rough house.  Downstairs, right Mom?"

I wish I had a video to capture every silly phrase, every hug, every kiss, every 'so much" response to my "I love you".   He will never be like this again.  I find myself being happy and sad, excited and terrified all at the same time.  

These feelings surfaced up this week being back at work...  and then this morning I read this article that was shared on FB - To Parents of Small Children - Go read it.   You will laugh and cry - because we all feel it.  Because parenting is hard.  Because parenting has all of those emotions that you just don't get until you have children to raise...  to witness and participate all at the same time.  Both Parent and child learning as we go.  Parenting is frustrating and exhausting and down right scary sometimes.  But, it is the best thing I have ever done, ever.  And, I imagine it will always be #1 on my list of accomplishments. I love when I stumble on beauty - the article reminded me of the zoo pictures that I hadn't looked at yet - and then, as I opened the folder, I stumbled on the most beautiful faces, Brayden and John, my family.   

In the Life, Love & Lemons front, I updated the Home page with a few of my fav photos.  I have the most beautiful families.  I also added a new proofing and purchasing site.  AND, I bought a new camera!!  John asked if I was excited as I examined the new Nikon...  my response, "No.  I am scared sh!t!#ss".  I needed to upgrade, but it is hard to bite the bullet and spend the money.  But, now that I have it I am so fascinated by the upgraded / updated technology.  I will put it to practice this weekend shooting some of my vintage rentals for my website. 

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend! :)  Thanks for stopping by!

Day 9: A moment in your day

Day 9, Thursday: A moment in your day (this can be just a photo or both a photo and words)

a gift from my Mom - does she know me or what! 

Most of days look the same....  The mornings are usually crazy.  Hit snooze one too many times, shower, make breakfast for B, get dressed, maybe make-up, maybe blow dry, get B dressed, grab the remaining bits of breakfast for him to eat in the car or at Mrs. A's house.  His daycare is literally 2 blocks from the house.  I have wonderful intentions of walking there now that it is nice out...  I will also have to get up earlier.  Either way, I always run 'late' too work.  I just say my hours are from 7:45 to 5:15... instead of 7:30-5:00 like they are supposed to be :) 

A few of my favorite parts of my morning, is my coffee - not only is it a necessity, but John makes it for me and delivers it to whatever room I happen to be frantically getting ready in.  From there it is a hurried kiss good-bye.  I love that part of our morning.  It isn't much, but it is the little things that make it special.  My other favorite is Brayden...  Even on the frustrating days when he begs for just a few more minutes to finish his cartoon (which is typically why I run late) or when he gives me his sad face because he just wants us 'to stay together'.  And yes, even though I hear it multiple times a week, it always breaks my heart.  This week, he is in VA.  So, I have actually been to work on time....  which is fun to watch people do a double take when I walk in the door BEFORE 7:30.  But, I miss my little buddy.  I miss his questions.  I miss his smile.  I miss his pucker when we kiss good-bye, and kiss hello.  I am ready for him to be home.  I miss the chaos.  I wouldn't trade it for anything.  

story of my life with, story of my life

A young lady I have been following posted a challenge to her fellow bloggers - Blog everyday in May.  This is a challenge - but, she gave us the topics to write about every day.  So, in addition to my photo blogs, I will be trying to type about her topics as well.  Sometimes with writing it is organizing a relateable topic into one, not to long, post, that is often the challenge.  It is very helpful that she provided the cues to push us to write about.  So, go check out Story of My Life with Jenni - she also has amazing photography as well.  

so, here we go with, the story of my life (in 250 words, approximately)

Proud conservative, Catholic, farmers daughter - I am the third of six.  Growing up on a farm - with a stay at home mom and a third generation farming family is something that isn't heard of often anymore.  I love that my story is very different - it involves working as kids walking beans, doing chores, and being active in 4-H.  I couldn't have written a better life for myself - I hope someday to provide that same kind of pride to my kids in some way.  

 My family is my roots, and I am the sibling with wings, very diferent from my grounded siblings.  We all share very similar characteristic (our spouses, significant others say that common thread is stubbornness).  I seek out adventure, always thinking of my next new and exciting step, often before I have followed through with the stride I am in.  My family is always good to be the realism - even though I usually do what I want anyway - they are always there.

 I am the proudest Mommy of the most adorable 3 year old on the planet.  He brings out the light in my heart and I ask everyday to keep him little so we can keep our lovable little life just as it is.  But, I know he will grow.  With his height, and with my age - my pride will grow too.  I know he will accomplish great things in his life.  He is my everything.  I finally found the love of my life, who was right around the corner, literally, all my life.  We just needed the right moments to align for us to meet.  We are planning a wedding in August, but more importantly, plan for a life together for the next 60+ years - with babies and a home.  And God willing, lots of traveling in the service of others, someday.  

 The center of my soul consists of family entangled with my little passions that are always growing with antiques or old stuff, ( that I am sure someday my family will turn me in for hoarding), painting furniture, photography, and dreaming of my next big move....  and of course, great country music...  

Pretty sure that was more than 250 words ....  :) oh well - I was never much for following rules anyway.

on the other side of the lens

This weekend was our Mommy & Me Mini's.  I have so many adorable pictures to share!  I can't wait to get them all edited! Thank you to all the patient Moms, Grandmas, Great-Grandmas, kiddos, and Dad's that participated!  

Also, this weekend I did an engagement session - wedding is in June and I am pumped about it!  Can not wait!  Fun bride and groom - and adorable.  Don't take my word for it, their engagement session will speak for themselves...  coming soon! 

This weekend I also thought it would be a good opportunity to get some of our family pictures done. I am lucky to have my brother-in-law (Chris Bland) who is a photographer so we use each other when we need our family pictures done.  Well.  It has been a while since I have been on the other side of the lens, having our pictures formally taken by someone else.  This experience was ...  less than fun.  And, I get it - getting your pictures taken is not fun, most of the time.  I kinda forget the emotions that parents go through when worrying about what to wear, selecting the optimal time to schedule the appointment based on the happiest hour of the day, spill proofing outfits, begging, bribing, and praying for just one good picture.  With clients, I am patient with their children and I understand what kids need to get those good pictures.  They don't want to sit and pose, most of them any way.  And, you say "smile" and they will do anything but!  I am able to laugh through the sessions, because I am a mom... and because, they aren't my kids! So, I ooze patience :) 

However, put me in the other side of the lens, the one not doing the button pushing, posing, calming, clapping, snapping, making funny noises and faces - my patience is gone.  I had forgotten how stressful it is to have the worry of trying to get the perfect picture. My frustration grew with each completely imperfect pose was shot...    Here are some examples of not our best moments:

 

 ...  But, Chris got some really great shots....  I will post those soon.  It is proof that through the chaos, there is beauty...  which actually translates into real life quite nicely :) 

the sun will rise

I had a blog started before some of the events that have taken place this week.  I will post it next week, after some settling.

I make a point to not watch the news, or read the paper.  It mortifies me beyond words for the world I am raising my child in.  It scares me to bring any more into this world were there is evil, hate, and uncertainty.  This has been a hard week for so many.  And no matter the denial I am in, there is so many  images and updates, there is no escaping it.  From Boston to Texas to right here at home with the flooding.  I have been fortunate to have had very little of that impact me directly - but my worrisome heart and mind can find no resolve.  All I have is questions.  All I can say is "why?" It is so far beyond my own comprehension why people make the choices that they do.  It is so far from my mind the hate that is spewed out onto people who are good.  We as a human race are not perfect - we were created that way.  But, we were created with the ability to make choices, and like the majority of the world, we make mistakes but we still do a lot of good.  We are surrounded by the good everyday, which makes the atrocities of this weeks events so hard to digest. 

On top of the events from around our country - and I know the many more around the world that don't make it to our TV screens - I have my own turmoil.  It has been yet another difficult week of co-parenting, as most weeks are.  Then today at 9am eastern time, I sold my home in Virginia.  In part, I see it as the final connection to Virginia and all of what and where my life changed.  In so many ways, it was wonderful and beautiful - and then, there are just as many that are painful and sad.  In that home I planned a future with the little bump in my belly.  I dreamed of how our lives would unfold and the memories that would be made in the walls of that home, in that back yard, and on the beach of the lake.  The lake was the deciding point - it was countless sand castles to be built and splashing in the water with the little wobbly baby legs.  It was those visions that made that house my final choice - it was the visions of a home and a life - a future very different from the one I had been living, it was the start of my family.  In that house, it held the room that was once painted light green.  It held the perfectly organized clothes and baby items as I prepared for the dreams of the future and what represented the happiest shift of the rest of my life.  Brayden never saw that little green room, it was painted over.  I cried then, and still now. The house is gone and along with it all of those dreams that never became more that just a vision.  I thought I would feel lighter when it was gone.  But, today I am weighed down by all of the anger and the would-have-been's.  Tomorrow I am sure will be better, but today I allow myself to morn the loss of that life.  I believe it would not be nearly as difficult had the co-parenting relationship that I participate in were healthy, for Brayden and for us.    Some days are just hard, when I feel like they shouldn't be.  It seems that when people work for a common goal, it shouldn't be difficult.  I guess the same could be said co-habitating on the same planet, and co-parenting.  Love and happiness shouldn't be so difficult. 

Amidst the sullen of this week, we know the sun will  rise again tomorrow and I, we, us - will be given the opportunity to make choices, the good ones, that will keep us working towards the common goal of love and happiness so our kids can live beyond the worry and live in the light of the sun. 

I pray God will help to lift us through these difficult times, for me - we - us, parents and humanity.