It started a few days ago - well, it actually started months ago.  Dreading the Christmas holiday.  How will I do it?  How will I function?  How will I celebrate this wonderful time of year when I feel absolute solitude?  How do I not ruin this for John, for us?  How do I make it be ok?

I was making plans with my family about Christmas Eve and Christmas Day...  Me?  No plans really.  No cookies or milk to set out for Santa, no reindeer food for his helpers.  I don't have any reason to wake up early.  No rush out of bed. No child excitement for the visitor that filled the stockings and ate all the cookies.  The only evidence of his visit are crumbs and gifts. Christmas morning will be quiet.  Too quiet.   

Today is bad.  Brayden leaves tomorrow.   Yesterday we were both home sick.  It was nice to be together even though we didn't feel well.   But, every time he acted out, and I got mad - I got extra mad at both of us.  Why are you (he or me) ruining our last day together?  Then, guilt today for not making more of yesterday.  I am angry.  I am sad.  All I can do is cry.

We have an early trip to the airport.  I get to drive them.  I talk to Brayden about all of the Christmas excitement - flying on the airplane  (he continues to call it a rocketship - and says he and Daddy are astronauts).  We talk about Santa coming to Grammy's house and seeing his cousins.  We talk about all of the fun he is going to have - and I say it with convincing enthusiasm.  And, I am happy for him.  I want him to have that time with his Dad and his Virginia family and friends.  It is a HUGE part of his life.  I am happy he has it.  But, I still feel bad for me.  I feel bad for us.  I feel bad that he is split.  And then, the knife to my heart when he says "Mommy is sad?"  And, he does it with true hurt feelings and concern.  I try my best not to cry.  I fight the tears.  Sometimes the tears win.  I say "yes, Mommy will miss you, but you are going to have so much fun!  I want you to have so much fun!"

I bought him one of those recordable Hallmark books.  You know, the one you record while reading the book.  The one I got is about why Rudolph is the most famous reindeer.   I gave it to Brayden last night - I want him to take it with him.  That way, we can still read books together even when we aren't together. We read it last night - 4 times.   I added extra words at the end of the book.  I say something like, "Merry Christmas Brayden! Mommy loves you and misses you so much!"  Every time he heard that part, he would cry.  And then, I would cry. Times 4.  

Typically, I like to have ' the silver lining' when I write.  It helps keep me positive.  Today is not one of those days.  I know there are plenty of 'silver linings' in this situation and in life in general.  But, somedays - the silver linings don't mean anything.  Somedays, it is the last thing you want to hear.  Somedays, crying is needed.  I pray for the end of the day, for bedtime. So I can sleep away the sadness.  I will look for the silver lining tomorrow.