"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." ~ Agatha Christie
The truth about being a mom:
I love it more than anything in the world. But, I sometimes struggle. I may, on occasion, make up fake truths or tell partial ones to get the easy way out. Or, I embellish actions to prove significance, ... or maybe just to make a point. I say or do things like:
"Boys have a penis. Girls have babies" I can't bare to say the 'v' word. Someday, but not yet. I don't know what I will say if I ever have a daughter.
When in doubt, I cry. Well, I pretend - If you are being too rough or if you refuse to listen - I cry, obnoxiously. You only care about 50% of the time.
"These cool shoes will make you as fast as Lighting McQueen!" Last week it was my final attempt to persuade you to wear your new tennis shoes. When it worked, you took off running and charging, just like Lighting McQueen. I make a mental note to go straight for the favorite hero or animal for whatever particular phase you are in. It keeps us both from nearly tears.
"If you eat this watermelon, I will give you a cupcake"
"Ohh, you wanted a monster pancake, not a dinosaur pancake? Well. That's what this is! It's a monster. Seriously - look at his crazy hair. No, those are not dinosaur spikes, it is crazy monster hair!"
I love it when you show me your muscles and tell me what a big, strong boy you are. I smile proudly, but ache silently. I am so blessed for a healthy child, time and God keep you growing and I love it. But, I really wish I could hold onto this version of you. Your innocence. Your smile. Your inquisitive mind. Your smallness. The way your hand fits in mine. I love you growing, but I miss you little too.
I wanted the all American family, you know, like the Cleavers. I have cried to myself at night. I have cried to friends. I just want to do it right. They say their due diligence and tell me what a good mom I am. And my response is always the same, "I can do better. I should be better. "
We should eat healthier.
We should play outside more.
We should do more educational learning.
You should be potty trained by now.
You should sleep in your own bed.
I should be more patient.
The truth is, as hard as I am on myself, I know we are doing just fine. Not based on unrealistic standards but because we have fun.
I know because we love to read books. You laugh that incredible child laugh when I do the animal sounds. I act like a complete nut and you love it.
I am conflicted about you sleeping in your own bed, because I love the way you snuggle. And, even though I am horribly sleep deprived, I love that I get a sliver of the bed because you are sleeping sideways and your feet are sticking in my ribs. I love to kiss your cheeks and neck to wake you up in the morning. I love it when you smile with your eyes still closed.
I love that you are learning respect of yourself and to have respect for others.
I love that you are so sweet and you say things like "I just love it so much", "I just love you so much", and "Mommy has so beautiful eyes"
I know not because of my good intentions that sometimes fall short, but I know because I am your Mom and I love you. I know because you love me.