I have found it difficult to blog lately. When really, I know it is what I need most. It makes me feel better. I am having a hard time celebrating life. To be honest, I am struggling with making it much further than my bed. I go to work, I do the errands, laundry, etc - but, my bed is my favorite place. I am tired. I feel like I am drowning in tasks. And yet, even if 'free time' presents itself - I find something else that needs to be done - or I go straight to bed. I blame my exhaustion on the weather - I am ready for spring.
Most of my worries are good worries to have - they are the best kind, really. And, I know that. But, it is still weight. It is still something to carry - we all have something, or many somethings.
I am planning this wedding. And by I, that is what it is. John just wants what I want, he just wants me to be happy - and sometimes, I just want him to tell me what I want, so I don't have to decide. We are just over 5 months to the wedding and we don't have a venue. It has been narrowed down, but, they aren't what I want. It's not what I see in my mind. The wedding planning is becoming consuming - and, it isn't how I wanted it to be. I wanted simple - that doesn't necessarily translate to easy, but I have a vision of what I want it to look like and feel like. It is hard to choose a place that will never be what I actually wanted. I am refusing to choose a photographer. I keep thinking someone will magically appear that I can trust and have confidence in taking the pictures I know I would take. I want the real emotions. I want the 'feelings' felt through the pictures - not just pretty poses. I have pushed it off so far that I may in fact reach difficulty finding a good photographer, that is still within my budget. Budget - is such a daunting word. I am plagued with visions of dollar signs. Everything is so damn expensive. When it's all said and done, I know it will come together, and I know we will love it. Not because of the venue, the food, the table settings, decorations, or music but because it is about Me, John and Brayden. I have to find that as my center again, like how I started out.
I got bad news on Sunday. This is one of the worries that isn't good. My Grandma has been sick. She had surgery. We all thought the surgery would create time. Well, more tests and doctor visits, and we still are in the same place - worrying about what time will be available for her, and for us. I want her here for August. You see, the wedding date is August 10th. It isn't just any date. It is the Anniversary of Knute and Florence Gudmunson, back many years ago. It also became the anniversary of John and Margo Gudmunson, my dad and mom - and Marcy and Alan Kinney, my sister and brother-in-law. Grandma needs to be there - she is the tethering of the many branches that makes us family.
Brayden, my sweet and sassy little guy, drives me crazy! I have so much Mommy guilt, like most of us struggle with I am sure. I am always wondering if I am doing everything I can, and doing it right. He has a lot of schedule changes between our work schedules and the every other weekend shifts and daycares that prove to be disappointing and frustrating. I worry about Brayden. He has bad days.... he has bad weeks. All I think is I am screwing him up. I need to remember that he is entitled to a bad day. He is entitled to try to push his limits because, he is 3 and he is learning what those limits are. And, it is my job as a parent to let him know there are boundaries. I get the saying now, "this hurts me more than it hurts you". It is hard to be the boundary setter, but it is a parental requirement. I know he is happy. I know it. I just have to smile and laugh through the not so happy, sassy, snotty nose, "I don't want to share", "I don't want to eat my peas I just want a cookie" days. They are going to happen, inevitably - and it isn't because I am doing it wrong - it is because Brayden is being a 3 year old. Even though he has the ability to frustrate me beyond belief, I love him more than measure and he is the happiest part of my life.
(here is a snippet of our weekend, it was a really great weekend. We needed it because it was a really hard week):
The Store and Studio: It is exciting - but a TON of work. There are so many small details that need to come together to make it complete. We are almost there.... This weekend will be like a marathon to wrap it all up. These were taken when it was kinda put together, before it got torn apart last weekend. I still don't know what it will look like when I am done!