Today is met with so many emotions.
I cried on my way to work today. But, they were happy tears. It felt so good to have a shift of emotions. I have been waiting for weeks for this shift to come. I knew it would. It always does. Sometimes the wait is longer then others.
Today, we slept in. I am blessed by a great employer. I have a flexible schedule and he is very understanding of this kinda crazy life I lead.
We got our break from the bitter cold today. Today is sunshine and birds singing - and with the glistening of the snow really creates this amazing beauty that warms my heart - and for a few days of the winter season, I am thankful for the climate that I live in.
On the drive in, Brayden was full of questions. And these questions, like most, make me smile in amazement of what he is learning. He asks so many questions. But, not just "Why?" Today, out of the blue he stated "Lighting hurts people and things," I said, "Yes it can, but it is just part of nature." You can anticipate what the next questions was.... "What's nature?" So, I think for a minute.... "It is the sky, clouds, sun, rain, ground, trees, wind, air..." I pause, waiting for the next question. "What does the rain do?" "Rain is very important. It feeds the ground and everything that grows: trees, corn, beans, grass, flowers..." I pause again, I know there is another question coming. "What's the sun do?" I smile, loving the sequence of his questions - because they all impact one another. "The sun and rain work together. The sun helps everything grow too. All of the plants and animals need the sun and rain." And then, brilliant little Brayden says, "Us too!" "Yup, that's right! Us too!! The sun and rain are very important" I reply. Then, the topper, "cars are important too!"
I love that kid.
I realized a few days ago on my way back to the studio, after multiple nights of being there, after many weekends spent planning, organizing, painting, designing, preparing, list making. I was talking to God and to myself trying to find the calm among the chaos. I told myself, I just need to get through the next month. I just need to make it through this and then it will calm down. Then, it hit me, I always say that. I pray for the strength to make it from one moment to the next. Pray to just let me survive this phase. And then, I believe it was God responding, Why do you do that? I always tell myself, I just need to make it through this. Get through this moment and then I can enjoy the next. Why can't I enjoy the moment I am in? I need to enjoy the process. I often look back at the roads I have traveled. While traveling them, they felt rough. Somedays were hard to put one foot in front of the other, but I did it. I look back and I am proud of my travels. I am proud of my lessons. I have learned. I have grown. I have experienced life. And, I have some good memories from the traveling.
I forget that during my current travels. I focus on the "what if's". I obsess about just surviving instead of thriving. There are days that feel like I am drowning in everything that needs to be done. My mom calls them 'self inflicted' tasks. And she is right - I know only one speed and that is being busy. I work best under pressure - I just don't always seem to enjoy the pressure. At some point, there comes a moment of clarity. Something, or somebody, that exposes the many, many blessings in my life. It is all I need to just stop for a minute. I smile and give gratitude to the amazing life I lead. And then I tell myself:
Just keep swimming
Enjoy the journey
Refuse to sink