Everyone deserves a day or two to disappear. A day or two to sulk. A day or two to feel sorry for yourself. Life isn't always easy and at times it is hard to hold everything together. Life these days are busy and full - and that can be a great thing - but, sometimes it is overwhelming too. So, we should allow ourselves a small breakdown, and not feel bad about it. Then, we need to get back up, wipe away the tears, brush it off and charge on.
Last night after work, I walked in the door, dropped my bags, grabbed the cat and went directly up to bed. And there, I sat for 3 hours. Doing nothing. I had no more tears. I stared blankly at the TV and watched useless, yet very interesting shows. I like the history channel - I learned about JFK, the Bay of Pigs, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, and the Berlin Wall. Many details that I embarrassingly enough to admit, knew very little about. I learned about JFK's contributions to our country and the world. I listened about the Bermuda Triangle and the theories of it's destruction. I watched a current day mummification - I thought that was cool (I am a science geek too).
The world continues to spin even through my breakdowns. So, at 9 o'clock I decided to shower and let it all go. And I did. Today is new.
I reflect on my mood and behavior yesterday and I fight with the anger the wells up. Having a split family is really hard. It is harder then I could have ever imagined. It is hard on both parents, from different angles - for different reasons. None of which I am going to go into details on here - if you live it, you already know - and if you don't, you are lucky. But, don't think I down play the efforts it takes to run a family unit, together. It is really hard. I commend all families of all types that do the day in and day out.
It is the every day things that we don't see. We loose touch with the significance and the beauty that is in a sleeping child, the laughter and love they show in the smallest way, and how quickly they learn and grow. Someday, they will be us. Us. Our actions. Our words. Our outlook. I pray that Brayden is different than me. I pray that he is better than me. I hope he exudes patience and optimism. I hope he gives his time and talent and never expects anything in return. But, in many ways, I pray he is just like me. I pray he finds a passion and follows it. I pray that he waits to find a perfect love. A love that is built on friendship and mutual respect. I hope he has determination in life and pushes to succeed, especially through the failures. Through the failing, you learn far more lessons then succeeding. Failing keeps you pushing. Keeps you driving. Keeps the hunger for success alive. If you always succeeded, what would you have left to do? I hope he invests in love and happiness. For him to do these things, I have to be the example. I have to invest in love and happiness. We all should.
I haven't written much about my ongoing relationship with God and Church. But, I am doing it - not perfect - but, I am better then I was a year ago. I assume a year from now, I will be better then I am now. A sermon the other Sunday still rings in my ears. Treat everyone as you want to be treated. Invest in loving and respecting others, and they too will invest in loving and respecting others. I am a work in progress. I was very rude to a customer service person the other day - it wasn't his fault my order was wrong. I have no excuse for being rude or impatient. I don't want Brayden to pick those traits up from me. I need to be better - little eyes are watching. He is always watching and learning from me. And, others do the same. Love, Respect, Happiness resounds with everyone - doing onto them, will do onto others.
So, as the new year approaches, I will begin my list. It's a great time to reflect on the person I want to be and the example Brayden deserves. Investing in love and happiness for him, for me, for everyone.